CHAPTER I.

TREATS OF THE INSECURITY OF LIFE IN THIS EXILE, HOWEVER HIGH WE MAY BE

RAISED, AND OF HOW WE MUST ALWAYS WALK IN FEAR. CONTAINS SOME GOOD POINTS.

1. Souls in the Third Mansions. 2. Insecurity of this life. 3. Our danger of

falling from grace. 4. The Saint bewails her past life. 5. Our Lady's

patronage. 6. Fear necessary even for religious. 7. St. Teresa's contrition.

8. Characteristics of those in the Third Mansions. 9. The rich young man in

the Gospel. 10. Reason of aridities in prayer. 11. Humility. 12. Tepidity.

13. We must give all to God. 14. Our debt. 15. Consolations and aridities.

1. As for those who, by the mercy of God, have vanquished in these combats

and persevered until they reached the third mansions, what can we say to

them but 'Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord'? [86] It is no small

favour from God that I should be able to translate this verse into Spanish

so as to explain its meaning, considering how dense I usually am in such

matters. We may well call these souls blessed, for, as far as we can tell,

unless they turn back in their course they are on the safe road to

salvation. Now, my sisters, you see how important it is for them to conquer

in their former struggles, for I am convinced that our Lord will henceforth

never cease to keep them in security of conscience, which is no small boon.

2. I am wrong in saying 'security,' for there is no security in this life;

understand that in such cases I always imply: 'If they do not cease to

continue as they have begun.' What misery to live in this world! We are like

men whose enemies are at the door, who must not lay aside their arms, even

while sleeping or eating, and are always in dread lest the foe should enter

the fortress by some breach in the walls. O my Lord and my all! How canst

Thou wish us to prize such a wretched existence? We could not desist from

longing and begging Thee to take us from it, were it not for the hope of

losing it for Thy sake or devoting it entirely to Thy service--and above all.

because we know it is Thy will that we should live. Since it is so, 'Let us

die with Thee!' [87] as St. Thomas said, for to be away from Thee is but

to die again and again, haunted as we are by the dread of losing Thee for

ever!

3. This is why I say, daughters, that we ought to ask our Lord as our boon

to grant us one day to dwell in safety with the Saints, for with such fears,

what pleasure can she enjoy whose only pleasure is to please God? Remember,

many Saints have felt this as we do, and were even far more fervent, yet

fell into grave sin, and we cannot be sure that God would stretch forth His

hand to raise us from sin again to do such penance as they performed. This

applies to extraordinary grace. [88] Truly, my daughters, I feel such

terror as I tell you this, that I know not how to write it, nor even how to

go on living, when I reflect upon it as I very often do. Beg of His Majesty,

my daughters, to abide within me, for otherwise, what security could I feel,

after a life so badly spent as mine has been?

4. Do not grieve at knowing this. I have often seen you troubled when I

spoke about it, for you wish that my past had been a very holy one, in which

you are right--indeed, I wish the same myself. But what can be done, now that

I have wasted it entirely through my own fault? I have no right to complain

that God withheld the aid I needed to fulfil your wishes. It is impossible

for me to write this without tears and great shame, when I see that I am

explaining these matters to those capable of teaching me. What a hard task

has obedience laid, upon me! God grant that, as I do it for Him, it may be

of some service to you; therefore beg Him to pardon me for my miserable

presumption.

5. His Majesty knows that I have nothing to rely upon but His mercy; as I

cannot cancel the past, I have no other remedy but to flee to Him, and to

confide in the merits of His Son and of His Virgin Mother, whose habit,

unworthy as I am, I wear as you do also. Praise Him, then, my daughters, for

making you truly daughters of our Lady, so that you need not blush for my

wickedness as you have such a good Mother. Imitate her; think how great she

must be and what a blessing it is for you to have her for a patroness, since

my sins and evil character have brought no tarnish on the lustre of our holy

Order.

6. Still I must give you one warning: be not too confident because you are

nuns and the daughters of such a Mother. David was very holy, yet you know

what Solomon became. [89] Therefore do not rely on your enclosure, on your

penitential life, nor on your continual exercise of prayer and constant

communion with God, nor trust in having left the world or in the idea that

you hold its ways in horror. All this is good, but is not enough, as I have

already said, to remove all fear; therefore meditate on this text and often

recall it: 'Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord.' [90]

7. I do not recollect what I was saying, and have digressed very much: for

when I think of myself my mind cannot soar to higher things but is like a

bird with broken wings; so I will leave this subject for the present.

8. To return to what I began to explain about the souls which have entered

the third mansions. God has shown them no small favour, but a very great

one, in enabling them to pass through the first difficulties. Thanks to His

mercy I believe there are many such people in the world: they are very

desirous not to offend His Majesty even by venial sins, they love penance

and spend hours in meditation, they employ their time well, exercise

themselves in works of charity to their neighbours, are well-ordered in

their conversation and dress, and those who own a household govern it well.

This is certainly to be desired, and there appears no reason to forbid their

entrance to the last mansions; nor will our Lord deny it them if they desire

it, for this is the right disposition for receiving all His favours.

9. O Jesus! can any one declare that he does not desire this great blessing,

especially after he has passed through the chief difficulties? No; no one

can! We all say we desire it, but there is need of more than that for the

Lord to possess entire dominion over the soul. It is not enough to say so,

any more than it was enough for the young man when our Lord told him what he

must do if he desired to be perfect. [91] Since I began to speak of these

dwelling-rooms I have him constantly before my mind, for we are exactly like

him; this very frequently produces the great dryness we feel in prayer,

though sometimes it proceeds from other causes as well. I am not speaking of

certain interior sufferings which give intolerable pain to many devout souls

through no fault of their own; from these trials, however, our Lord always

delivers them with much profit to themselves. I also except people who

suffer from melancholy and other infirmities. But in these cases, as in all

others, we must leave aside the judgments of God.

10. I hold that these effects usually result from the first cause I

mentioned; such souls know that nothing would induce them to commit a sin

(many of them would not even commit a venial sin advertently), and that they

employ their life and riches well. They cannot, therefore, patiently endure

to be excluded from the presence of our King, Whose vassals they consider

themselves, as indeed they are. An earthly king may have many subjects yet

all do not enter his court. Enter then, enter, my daughters, into your

interior; pass beyond the thought of your own petty works, which are no

more, nor even as much, as Christians are bound to perform: let it suffice

that you are God's servants, do not pursue so much as to catch nothing. [92]

Think of the saints, who have entered the Divine Presence, and you will

see the difference between them and ourselves.

11. Do not ask for what you do not deserve, nor should we ever think,

however much we may have done for God, that we merit the reward of the

saints, for we have offended Him. Oh, humility, humility! I know not why,

but I am always tempted to think that persons who complain so much of

aridities must be a little wanting in this virtue. However, I am not

speaking of severe interior sufferings, which are far worse than a want of

devotion.

12. Let us try ourselves, my sisters, or let our Lord try us; He knows well

how to do so (although we often pretend to misunderstand Him). We will now

speak of these well-ordered souls. Let us consider what they do for God and

we shall see at once what little right we have to murmur against His

Majesty. If we turn our backs on Him and go away sorrowfully like the youth

in the Gospel [93] when He tells us what to do to be perfect, what can God

do? for He must proportion the reward to our love for Him. This love, my

daughters, must not be the fabric of our imagination; we must prove it by

our works. Yet do not suppose that our Lord has need of any works of ours;

He only expels us to manifest our goodwill. [94]

13. It seems to us we have done everything by taking the religious habit of

our own will, and renouncing worldly things and all our possessions for God

(although they may have been but the nets of St. Peter, [95] yet they

seemed much to us, for they were our all). This is an excellent disposition:

if we continue in it and do not return, even in desire, to the company of

the reptiles of the first rooms, doubtless, by persevering in this poverty

and detachment of soul, we shall obtain all for which we strive. But, mark

this--it must be on one condition--that we 'hold ourselves for unprofitable

servants,' [96] as we are told either by St. Paul or by Christ, and that

we do not consider that our Lord is bound to grant us any favours, but that,

as we have received more from Him, we are the deeper in His debt.

14.. How little is all we can do for so generous a God, Who died for us, Who

created us, Who gives us being, that we should not think ourselves happy to

be able to acquit ourselves of part of the debt we owe Him for having served

us, without asking Him for fresh mercies and favours? I am loth to use this

expression, yet so it is, for He did nothing else during the whole time He

lived in this world but serve us.

15. Think well my daughters, over some of the points I have treated,

although confusedly, for I do not know how to explain them better. Our Lord

will make you understand them, that you may reap humility from your dryness,

instead of the disquietude the devil strives to cause by it. I believe that

where true humility exists, although God should never bestow consolations,

yet He gives a peace and resignation which make the soul happier than are

others with sensible devotion. These consolations, as you have read, are

often given by the Divine Majesty to the weakest souls who, I suppose would

not exchange them for the fortitude of Christians serving God in aridities:

we love consolations better than the cross! Do Thou, O Lord, Who knowest all

truth, so prove us that we may know ourselves.

_________________________________________________________________

[86] Ps. cxi: 1. 'Beatus vir qui timet Dominum.'

[87] St. John xi. 16: 'Eamus et nos ut moriamur cum eo.'

[88] These last words, in the margin, but in the handwriting of the Saint,

were scored through by one of the censors, but Fr. Luis de Leon wrote

underneath, (as he did in other cases) 'Nothing to be crossed out.'

[89] St. Teresa wrote 'Solomon'; Father Gracian corrected 'Absalom,' and Fr.

Luis de Leon restored the original text.

[90] Ps. cxi. 1.

[91] Matt. xix. 21.

[92] Proverbially, like 'having too many irons in the fire.'

[93] St. Mark. x. 22. Way of Perf. ch. xvii. 5.

[94] Rel. ix. 15.

[95] St. Matt. iv. 20: 'Relictis retibus secuti sunt eum.'

[96] St. Luke xvii. 10: 'Servi inutiles sumus: quod debuimus facere

fecimus.'

_________________________________________________________________