Chapter III.—He Who Confesseth Rightly Unto God Best Knoweth Himself.

3. What then have I to do with men, that they should hear my confessions, as if they were going to cure all my diseases?701    Ps. ciii. 3.    He very touchingly alludes in Serm. ccclv. 2 to the way in which he was forced against his will (as was frequently the custom in those days), first, to become a presbyter (A.D. 391), and, four years later, coadjutor to Valerius, Bishop of Hippo (Ep. xxxi. 4, and Ep. ccxiii. 4), whom on his death he succeeded. His own wish was to establish a monastery, and to this end he sold his patrimony, “which consisted of only a few small fields” (Ep. cxxvi. 7). He absolutely dreaded to become a bishop, and as he knew his name was highly esteemed in the Church, he avoided cities in which the see was vacant. His former backsliding had made him humble; and he tells us in the sermon above referred to, “Cavebam hoc, et agebam quantam poteram, ut in loco humili salvarer ne in alto periclitarer.” Augustin also alludes to his ordination in Ep. xxi., addressed to Bishop Valerius.    Rom. viii. 31. A people curious to know the lives of others, but slow to correct their own. Why do they desire to hear from me what I am, who are unwilling to hear from Thee what they are? And how can they tell, when they hear from me of myself, whether I speak the truth, seeing that no man knoweth what is in man, “save the spirit of man which is in him “?702    1 Cor. ii. 11.    “He alludes to the hour-glasses of his time, which went by water, as ours do now by sand.”—W. W.    Matt. vii. 7, 8. But if they hear from Thee aught concerning themselves, they will not be able to say, “The Lord lieth.” For what is it to hear from Thee of themselves, but to know themselves? And who is he that knoweth himself and saith, “It is false,” unless he himself lieth? But because “charity believeth all things”703    1 Cor. xiii. 7.    Augustin, in common with other bishops, had his time much invaded by those who sought his arbitration or judicial decision in secular matters, and in his De Op. Monach. sec. 37, he says, what many who have much mental toil will readily appreciate, that he would rather have spent the time not occupied in prayer and the study of the Scriptures in working with his hands, as did the monks, than have to bear these tumultuosissimas perplexitates. In the year 426 we find him (Ep. ccxiii) designating Eraclius, in public assembly, as his successor in the see, and to relieve him (though, meanwhile, remaining a presbyter) of these anxious duties. See vi. sec. 15, and note 1, above; and also ibid. sec. 3. (amongst those at all events whom by union with itself it maketh one), I too, O Lord, also so confess unto Thee that men may hear, to whom I cannot prove whether I confess the truth, yet do they believe me whose ears charity openeth unto me.

4. But yet do Thou, my most secret Physician, make clear to me what fruit I may reap by doing it. For the confessions of my past sins,—which Thou hast “forgiven” and “covered,”704    Ps. xxxii. 1.    Ps. lxxxvi. 1. that Thou mightest make me happy in Thee, changing my soul by faith and Thy sacrament,—when they are read and heard, stir up the heart, that it sleep not in despair and say, “I cannot;” but that it may awake in the love of Thy mercy and the sweetness of Thy grace, by which he that is weak is strong,705    2 Cor. xii. 10.    Rom. x. 12. if by it he is made conscious of his own weakness. As for the good, they take delight in hearing of the past errors of such as are now freed from them; and they delight, not because they are errors, but because they have been and are so no longer. For what fruit, then, O Lord my God, to whom my conscience maketh her daily confession, more confident in the hope of Thy mercy than in her own innocency,—for what fruit, I beseech Thee, do I confess even to men in Thy presence by this book what I am at this time, not what I have been? For that fruit I have both seen and spoken of, but what I am at this time, at the very moment of making my confessions, divers people desire to know, both who knew me and who knew me not,—who have heard of or from me,—but their ear is not at my heart, where I am whatsoever I am. They are desirous, then, of hearing me confess what I am within, where they can neither stretch eye, nor ear, nor mind; they desire it as those willing to believe,—but will they understand? For charity, by which they are good, says unto them that I do not lie in my confessions, and she in them believes me.

CAPUT III. Quo fructu confitebitur deinceps quis sit, non quis fuerit.

3. Quid mihi ergo est cum hominibus ut audiant confessiones meas, quasi ipsi sanaturi sint omnes languores meos? Curiosum genus ad cognoscendam vitam alienam, desidiosum ad corrigendam suam. Quid a me quaerunt audire qui sim, qui nolunt a te audire qui sint? Et unde sciunt, cum a meipso de meipso audiunt, an verum dicam; quandoquidem nemo scit hominum quid agatur in homine, nisi spiritus hominis qui in ipso est (I Cor. II, 11)? Si autem a te audiant de seipsis, non poterunt dicere, Mentitur Dominus. Quid est enim a te audire de se, nisi cognoscere se? Quis porro cognoscit, et dicit, Falsum est, nisi ipse mentiatur? Sed quia charitas omnia credit (Ibid. XIII, 7), inter eos utique quos connexos sibim et unum facit, ego quoque, Domine, etiam sic tibi confiteor, ut audiant homines, quibus demonstrare non possum an vera confitear; sed credunt mihi quorum mihi aures charitas aperit.

4. Verumtamen tu, medice meus intime, quo fructu ista faciam, eliqua mihi. Nam confessiones praetoritorum malorum meorum, quae remisisti et texisti ut beares me in te (Psal. XXXI, 1), mutans animam meam fide et Sacramento tuo, cum leguntur et audiuntur, 0781 excitant cor ne dormiat in desperatione et dicat, Non possum; sed evigilet in amore misericordiae tuae et dulcedine gratiae tuae, qua potens est omnis infirmus, qui sibi per ipsam fit conscius infirmitatis suae. Et delectat bonos audire praeterita mala eorum qui jam carent eis; nec ideo delectat quia mala sunt, sed quia fuerunt et non sunt. Quo itaque fructu, Domine meus cui quotidie confitetur conscientia mea, spe misericordiae tuae securior quam innocentia sua; quo fructu, quaeso, etiam hominibus coram te confiteor per has litteras adhuc quis ego sim, non quis fuerim? Nam illum fructum vidi et commemoravi. Sed quis adhuc sim, ecce in ipso tempore confessionum mearum, et multi hoc nosse cupiunt qui me noverunt et non me noverunt, qui ex me vel de me aliquid audierunt; sed auris eorum non est ad cor meum, ubi ego sum quicumque sum. Volunt ergo audire confitentem me quid ipse intus sim, quo nec oculum nec aurem nec mentem possunt intendere; credituri tamen volunt, numquid cognituri? Dicit enim eis charitas qua boni sunt non mentiri me de me confitentem, et ipsa in eis credit mihi.