Chapter IV.—In the Country He Gives His Attention to Literature, and Explains the Fourth Psalm in Connection with the Happy Conversion of Alypius. He is Troubled with Toothache.

7. And the day arrived on which, in very deed, I was to be released from the Professorship of Rhetoric, from which in intention I had been already released. And done it was; and Thou didst deliver my tongue whence Thou hadst already delivered my heart; and full of joy I blessed Thee for it, and retired with all mine to the villa.592    As Christ went into the wilderness after His baptism (Matt. iv. 1), and Paul into Arabia after his conversion (Gal. i. 17), so did Augustin here find in his retirement a preparation for his future work. He tells us of this time of his life (De Ordin. i. 6) that his habit was to spend the beginning or end, and often almost half the night, in watching and searching for truth, and says further (ibid. 29), that “he almost daily asked God with tears that his wounds might be healed, and often proved to himself that he was unworthy to be healed as soon as he wished.” What I accomplished here in writing, which was now wholly devoted to Thy service, though still, in this pause as it were, panting from the school of pride, my books testify,593    These books are (Con. Acad. i. 4) his three disputations Against the Academics, his De Vita Beata, begun (ibid. 6) “Idibus Novembris die ejus natali;” and (Retract. i. 3) his two books De Ordine.—those in which I disputed with my friends, and those with myself alone594    That is, his two books of Soliloquies. In his Retractations, i. 4, sec 1, he tells us that in these books he held an argument,—me interrogans, mihique respondens, tanquam duo essemus, ratio et ego. before Thee; and what with the absent Nebridius, my letters595    Several of these letters to Nebridius will be found in the two vols. of Letters in this series. testify. And when can I find time to recount all Thy great benefits which Thou bestowedst upon us at that time, especially as I am hasting on to still greater mercies? For my memory calls upon me, and pleasant it is to me, O Lord, to confess unto Thee, by what inward goads Thou didst subdue me, and how Thou didst make me low, bringing down the mountains and hills of my imaginations, and didst straighten my crookedness, and smooth my rough ways;596    Luke iii. 5. and by what means Thou also didst subdue that brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name of Thy only-begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he at first refused to have inserted in our writings. For he rather desired that they should savour of the “cedars” of the schools, which the Lord hath now broken down,597    Ps. xxix. 5. than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, hostile to serpents.

8. What utterances sent I up unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of David,598    Reference may with advantage be made to Archbishop Trench’s Hulsean Lectures (1845), who in his third lect., on “The Manifoldness of Scripture,” adverts to this very passage, and shows in an interesting way how the Psalms have ever been to the saints of God, as Luther said, “a Bible in little,” affording satisfaction to their needs in every kind of trial, emergency, and experience. those faithful songs and sounds of devotion which exclude all swelling of spirit, when new to Thy true love, at rest in the villa with Alypius, a catechumen like myself, my mother cleaving unto us,—in woman’s garb truly, but with a man’s faith, with the peacefulness of age, full of motherly love and Christian piety! What utterances used I to send up unto Thee in those Psalms, and how was I inflamed towards Thee by them, and burned to rehearse them, if it were possible, throughout the whole world, against the pride of the human race! And yet they are sung throughout the whole world, and none can hide himself from Thy heat.599    Ps. xix. 6. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I indignant at the Manichæans; whom yet again I pitied, for that they were ignorant of those sacraments, those medicaments, and were mad against the antidote which might have made them sane! I wished that they had been somewhere near me then, and, without my being aware of their presence, could have beheld my face, and heard my words, when I read the fourth Psalm in that time of my leisure,—how that Psalm wrought upon me. When I called upon Thee, Thou didst hear me, O God of my righteousness; Thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.600    Ps. iv. 1. Oh that they might have heard what I uttered on these words, without my knowing whether they heard or no, lest they should think that I spake it because of them! For, of a truth, neither should I have said the same things, nor in the way I said them, if I had perceived that I was heard and seen by them; and had I spoken them, they would not so have received them as when I spake by and for myself before Thee, out of the private feelings of my soul.

9. I alternately quaked with fear, and warmed with hope, and with rejoicing in Thy mercy, O Father. And all these passed forth, both by mine eyes and voice, when Thy good Spirit, turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long will ye be slow of heart? “How long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing?”601    Ibid. ver. 23. For I had loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at Thy right hand,602    Eph. i. 20. whence from on high He should send His promise,603    Luke xxiv. 49. the Paraclete, “the Spirit of Truth.”604    John xiv. 16, 17. And He had already sent Him,605    Acts ii. 1–4. but I knew it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then “the Holy Ghost was not yet given, because that Jesus was not yet glorified.”606    John vii. 39. And the prophet cries out, How long will ye be slow of heart? How long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries out, “How long?” He cries out, “Know this,” and I, so long ignorant, “loved vanity, and sought after leasing.” And therefore I heard and trembled, because these words were spoken unto such as I remembered that I myself had been. For in those phantasms which I once held for truths was there “vanity” and “leasing.” And I spake many things loudly and earnestly, in the sorrow of my remembrance, which, would that they who yet “love vanity and seek after leasing” had heard! They would perchance have been troubled, and have vomited it forth, and Thou wouldest hear them when they cried unto Thee;607    Ps. iv. 1. for by a true608    See v. 16, note, above. death in the flesh He died for us, who now maketh intercession for us609    Rom. viii. 34. with Thee.

10. I read further, “Be ye angry, and sin not.”610    Eph. iv. 26. And how was I moved, O my God, who had now learned to “be angry” with myself for the things past, so that in the future I might not sin! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not another nature of the race of darkness611    See iv. 26, note, above. which sinned for me, as they affirm it to be who are not angry with themselves, and who treasure up to themselves wrath against the day of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy righteous judgment.612    Rom. ii. 5. Nor were my good things613    Ps. iv. 6. now without, nor were they sought after with eyes of flesh in that sun;614    See v. 12, note, above. for they that would have joy from without easily sink into oblivion, and are wasted upon those things which are seen and temporal, and in their starving thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh, if only they were wearied out with their fasting, and said, “Who will show us any good?”615    Ps. iv. 6. And we would answer, and they hear, O Lord. The light of Thy countenance is lifted up upon us.616    Ibid. For we are not that Light, which lighteth every man,617    John i. 9. but we are enlightened by Thee, that we, who were sometimes darkness, may be light in Thee.618    Eph. v. 8. Oh that they could behold the internal Eternal,619    Internum æternum, but some mss. read internum lumen æternum. which having tasted I gnashed my teeth that I could not show It to them, while they brought me their heart in their eyes, roaming abroad from Thee, and said, “Who will show us any good?” But there, where I was angry with myself in my chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had offered my “sacrifice,” slaying my old man, and beginning the resolution of a new life, putting my trust in Thee,620    Ps. iv. 5.—there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and to “put gladness in my heart.”621    Ps. iv. 7. And I cried out as I read this outwardly, and felt it inwardly. Nor would I be increased622    That is, lest they should distract him from the true riches. For, as he says in his exposition of the fourth Psalm, “Cum dedita temporalibus voluptatibus anima semper exardescit cupiditate, nec satiari potest.” He knew that the prosperity of the soul (3 John 2) might be injuriously affected by the prosperity of the body; and disregarding the lower life (βίος) and its “worldly goods,” he pressed on to increase the treasure he had within,—the true life (ζωή) which he had received from God. See also Enarr. in Ps. xxxviii. 6. with worldly goods, wasting time and being wasted by time; whereas I possessed in Thy eternal simplicity other corn, and wine, and oil.623    Ps. iv. 7.

11. And with a loud cry from my heart, I called out in the following verse, “Oh, in peace!” and “the self-same!”624    Ibid. ver. 8, Vulg. Oh, what said he, “I will lay me down and sleep!”625    Ps. iv. 8; in his comment whereon, Augustin applies this passage as above. For who shall hinder us, when “shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory?”626    1 Cor. xv. 54. And Thou art in the highest degree “the self-same,” who changest not; and in Thee is the rest which forgetteth all labour, for there is no other beside Thee, nor ought we to seek after those many other things which are not what Thou art; but Thou, Lord, only makest me to dwell in hope.627    Ps. iv. 9, Vulg. These things I read, and was inflamed; but discovered not what to do with those deaf and dead, of whom I had been a pestilent member,—a bitter and a blind declaimer against the writings be-honied with the honey of heaven and luminous with Thine own light; and I was consumed on account of the enemies of this Scripture.

12. When shall I call to mind all that took place in those holidays? Yet neither have I forgotten, nor will I be silent about the severity of Thy scourge, and the amazing quickness of Thy mercy.628    Compare the beautiful Talmudical legend quoted by Jeremy Taylor (Works, viii. 397, Eden’s ed.), that of the two archangels, Gabriel and Michael, Gabriel has two wings that he may “fly swiftly” (Dan. ix. 21) to bring the message of peace, while Michael has but one, that he may labour in his flight when he comes forth on his ministries of justice. Thou didst at that time torture me with toothache;629    In his Soliloquies (see note, sec. 7, above), he refers in i. 21 to this period. He there tells us that his pain was so great that it prevented his learning anything afresh, and only permitted him to revolve in his mind what he had already learnt. Compare De Quincey’s description of the agonies he had to endure from tooth ache in his Confessions of an Opium Eater. and when it had become so exceeding great that I was not able to speak, it came into my heart to urge all my friends who were present to pray for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And I wrote it down on wax,630    That is, on the waxen tablet used by the ancients. The iron stilus, or pencil, used for writing, was pointed at one end and flattened at the other—the flattened circular end being used to erase the writing by smoothing down the wax. Hence vertere stilum signifies to put out or correct. See sec. 19, below. and gave it to them to read. Presently, as with submissive desire we bowed our knees, that pain departed. But what pain? Or how did it depart? I confess to being much afraid, my Lord my God, seeing that from my earliest years I had not experienced such pain. And Thy purposes were profoundly impressed upon me; and, rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy name. And that faith suffered me not to be at rest in regard to my past sins, which were not yet forgiven me by Thy baptism.

CAPUT IV. Libri apud Cassiciacum scripti Epistolae ad Nebridium. De ablato repente dolore Dentium acerrimo, dum psalmos pie evolvit.

7. Et venit dies in quo etiam actu solverer a professione rhetorica, unde jam cogitatu solutus eram. Et factum est, et eruisti linguam meam, unde jam erueras cor meum; et benedicebam tibi gaudens, profectus in villam cum meis omnibus. Ibi quid egerim in litteris, jam quidem servientibus tibi, sed adhuc superbiae scholam, tanquam in pausatione anhelantibus , testantur libri disputati cum praesentibus, et cum ipso me solo coram te: quae autem cum absente Nebridio, testantur epistolae. Et quando mihi sufficiat tempus commemorandi omnia magna erga nos beneficia tua in illo tempore, praesertim ad alia majora properanti? Revocat enim me recordatio mea, et dulce mihi fit, Domine, confiteri tibi quibus internis me stimulis perdomueris, et quemadmodum me complanaveris, humiliatis montibus et collibus cogitationum mearum, et tortuosa mea direxeris, et aspera lenieris; quoque modo ipsum etiam Alypium fratrem cordis mei subegeris nomini unigeniti tui Domini et Salvatoris nostri Jesu Christi, quod primo dedignabatur inseri litteris nostris. Magis enim eas volebat redolere gymnasiorum cedros, quas jam contrivit Dominus, quam salubres herbas ecclesiasticas adversas serpentibus.

8. Quas tibi, Deus meus, voces dedi, cum legerem Psalmos David, cantica fidelia, et sonos pietatis excludentes turgidum spiritum; rudis in germano amore tuo, catechumenus in villa cum catechumeno Alypio feriatus, matre adhaerente nobis muliebri habitu, virili fide, anili securitate, materna charitate, christiana pietate? Quas tibi voces dabam in psalmis illis, et quomodo in te inflammabar ex eis, et accendebar eos recitare, si possem, toto orbe terrarum, adversus typhum generis humani? Et tamen toto orbe cantantur, et non est qui se abscondat a calore tuo. Quam vehementi et acri dolore indignabar Manichaeis; et miserabar 0767 eos rursus, quod illa sacramenta, illa medicamenta nescirent, et insani essent adversus antidotum quo sani esse potuissent! Vellem ut alicubi juxta essent tunc , et me nesciente quod ibi essent, intuerentur faciem meam, et audirent voces meas, quando legi quartum psalmum, in illo tunc otio, quid de me fecerit ille psalmus. Cum invocarem, exaudivit me Deus justitiae meae; in tribulatione dilatasti mihi. Miserere mei, Domine, et exaudi orationem meam. Audirent, ignorante me utrum audirent, ne me propter se illa dicere putarent, quae inter haec verba dixerim. Quia et revera nec ea dicerem, nec sic ea dicerem, si me ab eis audiri viderique sentirem: nec, si dicerem, sic acciperent quomodo mecum et mihi coram te de familiari affectu animi mei.

9. Inhorrui timendo, ibidemque inferbui sperando et exsultando in tua misericordia, Pater. Et haec omnia exibant per oculos meos et vocem meam, cum conversus ad nos spiritus tuus bonus ait nobis: Filii hominum, quousque graves corde? Utquid diligitis vanitatem, et quaeritis mendacium? Dilexeram enim vanitatem, et quaesieram mendacium. Et tu, Domine, jam magnificaveras Sanctum tuum, suscitans eum a mortuis, et collocans ad dexteram tuam (Marc. XVI, 19), unde mitteret ex alto promissionem suam, Paracletum Spiritum veritatis (Joan. XIV, 16, 17): et miserat eum jam (Act. II, 1-4), sed ego nesciebam. Miserat eum, quia jam magnificatus erat, resurgens a mortuis, et ascendens in coelum. Ante autem Spiritus nondum erat datus, quia Jesus nondum erat clarificatus (Joan. VII, 39). Et clamabat prophetia : Quousque graves corde? Utquid diligitis vanitatem, et quaeritis mendacium? et scitote quoniam Dominus magnificavit Sanctum suum. Clamat, quousque; clamat, scitote: et ego tamdiu nesciens vanitatem dilexi, et mendacium quaesivi; et ideo audivi et contremui, quoniam talibus dicitur qualem me fuisse reminiscebar. In phantasmatibus enim quae pro veritate tenueram, vanitas erat et mendacium. Et insonui multa graviter et fortiter in dolore recordationis meae. Quae utinam audissent qui adhuc usque diligunt vanitatem, et quaerunt mendacium. Forte conturbarentur, et evomuissent illud; et exaudires eos, cum clamarent ad te: quoniam vera morte carnis mortuus est pro nobis, qui te interpellat pro nobis.

10. Legebam: Irascimini, et nolite peccare. Et quomodo movebar, Deus meus, qui jam didiceram irasci mihi de praeteritis, ut de caetero non peccarem? Et merito irasci, quia non alia natura gentis tenebrarum de me peccabat, sicut dicunt qui sibi non irascuntur, et thesaurizant sibi iram in die irae et revelationis justi 0768 judicii tui (Rom. II, 5). Nec jam bona mea foris erant, nec oculis carneis in isto sole quaerebantur. Volentes enim gaudere forinsecus, facile evanescunt; et effunduntur in ea quae videntur et temporalia sunt, et imagines eorum famelica cogitatione lambunt. Et o si fatigentur inedia, et dicant: Quis ostendet nobis bona? Et dicamus, et audiant: Signatum est in nobis lumen vultus tui, Domine. Non enim lumen nos sumus quod illuminat omnem hominem (Joan. I, 9); sed illuminamur a te, ut qui fuimus aliquando tenebrae, simus lux in te (Ephes. V, 8). O si viderent internum aeternum , quod ego quia gustaveram, frendebam, quoniam non eis poteram ostendere, si afferrent ad me cor in oculis suis foris a te, et dicerent: Quis ostendet nobis bona? Ibi enim, ubi mihi iratus eram intus in cubili, ubi compunctus eram, ubi sacrificaveram mactans vetustatem meam, et inchoata meditatione renovationis meae sperans in te; ibi mihi dulcescere coeperas, et dederas laetitiam in corde meo. Et exclamabam legens haec foris, et agnoscens intus; nec volebam multiplicari terrenis bonis, devorans tempora, et devoratus temporibus , cum haberem in aeterna simplicitate aliud frumentum, et vinum, et oleum.

11. Et clamabam in consequenti versu clamore alto cordis mei: O in pace! o in idipsum! o quid dixit: Obdormiam et somnum capiam! Quoniam quis resistet nobis, cum fiet sermo qui scriptus est: Absorta est mors in victoriam? (I Cor. XV, 54.) Et tu es idipsum valde qui non mutaris; et in te requies obliviscens laborum omnium, quoniam nullus alius tecum, nec ad alia multa adipiscenda, quae non sunt quod tu, sed tu, Domine, singulariter in spe constituisti me. Legebam, et ardebam; nec inveniebam quid facerem surdis mortuis, ex quibus fueram pestis , latrator amarus et caecus adversus Litteras de melle coeli melleas, et de lumine tuo luminosas: et super inimicis Scripturae hujus tabescebam.

12. Quando recordabor omnia dierum illorum feriatorum? Sed nec oblitus sum nec silebo flagelli tui asperitatem, et misericordiae tuae mirabilem celeritatem. Dolore dentium tunc excruciabas me; et cum in tantum ingravesceret ut non valerem loqui, ascendit in cor meum admonere omnes meos qui aderant, ut deprecarentur te pro me, Deum salutis omnimodae. Et scripsi hoc in cera, et dedi ut eis legeretur. Mox ut genua supplici affectu fiximus, fugit dolor ille. Sed quis dolor? aut quomodo fugit? Expavi, fateor, Domine 0769 meus, Deus meus; nihil enim tale ab ineunte aetate expertus fueram. Et insinuati sunt mihi in profundo nutus tui; et gaudens in fide laudavi nomen tuum. Et ea fides me securum esse non sinebat de praeteritis peccatis meis, quae mihi per Baptismum tuum remissa nondum erant.