31. So then, brother, I esteem thee happy both in the beauty of thy life and in the opportuneness of thy death. For thou wast snatched away not from us but from dangers; thou didst not lose life but didst escape the fear of threatening troubles. For with the pity of thy holy mind for those near to thee, if thou knewest that Italy was now oppressed by the nearness of the enemy, how wouldst thou groan, how wouldst thou grieve that our safety wholly depended on the barrier of the Alps, and that the protection of purity consisted in barricades of trees! With what sorrow wouldst thou mourn that thy friends were separated from the enemy by so slight a division, from an enemy, too, both impure and cruel, who spares neither chastity nor life.

32. How, I say, couldst thou bear these things which we are compelled to endure, and perchance (which is more grievous) to behold virgins ravished, little children torn from the embrace of their parents and tossed on javelins, the bodies consecrated to God defiled, and even aged widows polluted? How, I say, couldst thou endure these things, who even with thy last breath, forgetful of thyself, yet not without thought for us, didst warn us concerning the invasion of the barbarians, saying that not in vain hadst thou said that we ought to flee. Perchance was it because thou didst see that we were left destitute by thy death, and thou didst it, not out of weakness of spirit, but from affection, and wast weak with respect to us, but strong with respect to thyself. For when thou wast summoned home by the noble man Symmachus thy parent,15    Symmachus is called parens of Satyrus here and elsewhere by St. Ambrose. The title does not imply blood relationship, but friendship and patronage. because Italy was said to be blazing with war, because thou wast going into danger, because thou wast likely to fall amongst enemies, thou didst answer that this was the cause of thy coming, that thou mightest not fail us in danger, that thou mightest show thyself a sharer in thy brother’s peril.

33. Happy, then, was he in so opportune a death, because he has not been preserved for this sorrow. Certainly thou art happier than thy holy sister, deprived of thy comfort, anxious for her own modesty, lately blessed with two brothers, now wretched because of both, being able neither to follow the one nor to leave the other; for whom thy tomb is a lodging, and the burying-place of thy body a home. And would that even this resting-place were safe! Our food is mingled with weeping and our drink with tears, for thou hast given us the bread of tears as food, and tears to drink in large measure,16    Ps. lxxx. [lxxix.] 5. nay, even beyond measure.

34. What now shall I say of myself, who may not die lest I leave my sister, and desire not to live lest I be separated from thee? For what can ever be pleasant to me without thee, in whom was always my whole pleasure? or what satisfaction is it to remain longer in this life, and to linger on the earth where we lived with pleasure so long as we lived together? If there were anything which could delight us here, it could not delight without thee; and if ever we had earnestly desired to prolong our life, now at any rate we would not exist without thee.

35. This is indeed unendurable. For what can be endured without thee, such a companion of my life, such a sharer of my toil and partaker of my duties? And I could not even make his loss more endurable by dwelling on it beforehand, so much did my mind fear to think of any such thing concerning him! Not that I was ignorant of his condition, but a certain kind of prayers and vows had so clouded the sense of common frailty, that I knew not how to think anything concerning him except entire prosperity.

36. And then lately, when I was oppressed by a severe attack (would that it had been fatal), I grieved only that thou wast not sitting by my couch, and sharing the kindly duty with my holy sister mightest with thy fingers close my eyes when dead. What had I wished? What am I now pondering? What vows are wanting? What services are to succeed? I was preparing one thing, I am compelled to set forth another; not being the subject of the funeral rites but the minister. O hard eyes, which could behold my brother dying! O cruel and unkind hands, which closed those eyes in which I used to see so much! O still harder neck, which could bear so sad a burden, though it were in a service full of consolation.

37. Thou, my brother, hadst more justly done these things for me. I used to expect these services at thy hands, I used to long for them. But now, having survived my own life, what comfort can I find without thee, who alone usedst to comfort me when mourning, to excite my happiness and drive away my sorrow? How do I now behold thee, my brother, who now addressest no words to me, offerest me no kiss? Though, indeed, our mutual love was so deeply seated in each of us, that it was cherished rather by inward affection than made public by open caresses, for we who professed such mutual trust and love did not seek the testimony of others. The strong spirit of our brotherhood had so infused itself into each of us, that there was no need to prove our love by caresses; but our minds being conscious of our affection, we, satisfied with our inward love, did not seem to require the show of caresses, whom the very appearance of each other fashioned for mutual love; for we seemed, I know not by what spiritual stamp or bodily likeness, to be the one in the other.

38. Who saw thee, and did not think that he had seen me? How often have I saluted those who, because they had previously saluted thee, said that they had been already saluted by me? How many said something to thee, and related that they had said it to me? What pleasure, what amusement often was given me by this, because I saw that they were mistaken in us? What an agreeable mistake, what a pleasant slip, how innocent a deceit, how sweet a trick! For there was nothing for me to fear in thy words or acts, and I rejoiced when they were ascribed to me.

39. But if they insisted all too vehemently that they had given me some information, I used to smile and answer with delight: Take care that it was not my brother whom you told. For since we had everything in common, one spirit and one disposition, yet the secrets of friends alone were not common property, not that we were afraid of danger in the communication, but that we might keep faith by withholding it. Yet if we had a matter to be consulted about, our counsel was always in common, though the secret was not always made common. For although our friends spoke to either of us, so that what they said might reach the other; yet I know that secrets were for the most part kept with such good faith that they were not imparted even to the other brother. For this is a convincing proof that was not betrayed without which had not been imparted to the brother.

40. I confess, then, that being raised by these so great and excellent benefits to a kind of mental ecstasy, I had ceased to fear that I might be the survivor, because I thought him more worthy to live, and therefore received the blow which I am unable to endure, for the wounds of such pain are more easily borne when dwelt upon beforehand than when unexpected. Who will now console me full of sorrows? Who will raise up him that is smitten down? With whom shall I share my cares? Who will set me free from the business of this world? For thou wast the manager of our affairs, the censor of the servants, the decider between brother and sister, the decider not in matters of strife but of affection.

31. Ego vero te, frater, cum vitae tuae flore, tum mortis commoditate beatum arbitror. Non enim nobis ereptus es, sed periculis: non vitam amisisti, sed ingruentium acerbitatum formidine caruisti. Nam qua eras sanctae mentis misericordia in tuos, si nunc urgeri Italiam tam propinquo hoste cognosceres, quantum ingemisceres, quam doleres in Alpium vallo summam nostrae salutis consistere, lignorumque concaedibus construi murum pudoris! Qua afflictione moereres tam tenui discrimine tuos ab hoste distineri, ab hoste impuro atque crudeli, qui nec pudicitiae parceret, nec saluti!

1300C 32. Quonam, inquam, haec modo ferres, quae nos perpeti, et fortasse (quod gravius est) spectare cogemur, rapi virgines, et avulsos a complexu parentum parvulos liberos supra tela jactari, incestari sacrata Deo corpora, et senilem viduae maturioris uterum in usus desuetos oncrum redire, non pignorum? Quonam, inquam, modo ista tolerares, qui etiam ultimo spiritu tui jam fortassis oblitus, et adhuc nostri non immemor, de cavenda incursione Barbarorum nos saepius admonebas, commemorans non frustra te dixisse fugiendum. Fortasse ideo quod nos destitui tua morte cernebas: quod non infirmitate animi, sed pietate faciebas; et si 1301A infirmus pro nobis, tamen firmus tibi. Qui cum a viro nobili revocareris Symmacho tuo parente, quod ardere bello Italia diceretur, quod in periculum tenderes, quod in hostem incurreres; respondisti hanc ipsam tibi causam esse veniendi, ne nostro deesses periculo, ut consortem te fraterni discriminis exhiberes.

33. Felix igitur tam opportuno obitu, quia non est in hunc servatus dolorem. Certe felicior 1123 quam sancta soror, quae tuo solatio destituta, de suo pudore sollicita, duobus nuper beata germanis, nunc ex duobus fratribus aerumnosa, neque alterum sequi potest, neque alterum derelinquere: cui tumulus hospitium tuus, et corporis tui sepulcrum est domus. Atque utinam vel hoc tutum diversorium! 1301B Cibus in fletibus, potus in lacrymis; cibum etenim dedisti nobis panem lacrymarum, et potum dedisti nobis in lacrymis in mensura, aut fortasse ultra mensuram (Psal. LXXIX, 6).

34. Nam quid de me loquar, cui neque mori licet, ne sororem relinquam: neque vivere libet, ne a te avellar? Quid enim mihi sine te potest esse jucundum, in quo omnis semper fuit nostra jucunditas? aut quid diutius in hac vita degere juvat, atque in terris morari, in quibus tamdiu jucunde viximus, quamdiu simul viximus! Etsi esset quod hic delectare nos posset, sine te delectare non posset: et si quando voluissemus impense vitam producere, jam tamen sine te esse nollemus.

35. Haec intolerabilia. Quid enim tolerabile sine 1301C te tanto vitae comite, tanto laborum meorum officiorumque consorte? Cujus ego casum quo esset tolerabilior, nec praemeditari potui; ita pavebat animus de illo tale aliquid cogitare! non quo conditionem ignorarem, sed quidam votorum usus sensum communis fragilitatis obduxerat; ut de illo nisi secunda omnia cogitare nescirem.

36. Denique proxime cum gravi (quodam atque utinam supremo!) urgerer occasu; hoc solum dolebam, quod non ipse assideres lectulo, ac votivum mihi cum sancta sorore partitus officium, morientis oculos digitis tuis clauderes. Quid optaveram! Quid rependo! 1302A Quae vota deficiunt! Quae ministeria succedunt! Aliud praeparabam, aliud exhibere compellor; non jam ipse ministerium funeris, sed minister. O dura oculorum lumina, quae potuistis fratrem videre morientem! O immites et asperae manus, quae clausistis oculos, in quibus plus videbam! O durior 1302D cervix, quae tam lugubre onus, consolabili licet obsequio, gestare potuisti!

37. Haec tu, frater, mihi justius exhiberes. Haec ego a te exspectabam, haec ego officia desiderabam. Nunc vero ipsae meae vitae superstes, quod sine te solatium capiam, qui solus moerentem solari solebas, excitare laetitiam, moestitudinem propulsare? Qualem te nunc ego, frater, aspicio, jam nulla mihi verba referentem, 1124 jam nulla offerentem oscula! 1302B Quamquam ita mutuus semper utrique nostrum insederit amor, ut interiore potius foveretur affectu, quam forensi blanditia divulgaretur; neque enim aliorum quaerebamus testimonium, qui tantam nostri gratiam tenebamus. Ita virilis se utrique nostrum germanitatis succus infuderat, ut non blanditiis probare amorem, sed conscia mente pietatis interno amore contenti, fucum blanditiarum non requirere videremur, quos et ipsa in amorem mutuum imago formaret; nescio enim qua expressione mentis, qua corporis similitudine alter in altero videbamur.

38. Quis te aspexit, qui non me visum putaret? Quoties aliquos salutavi, qui quoniam te prius consalutaverant, se a me jam dicerent salutatos! Quanti tibi dixerunt aliquid, qui se mihi dixisse memorarent! 1302C Quae mihi hinc gaudia, quanta frequenter oborta laetitia, quod eos errare in nobis cernerem! Quam gratus error, quam jucunda prolapsio, quam religiosa fallacia, quam suavis calumnia! Neque enim de tuis erat aliquid aut factis aut sermonibus, quod timerem, qui mihi tua laetabar ascribi.

39. Tamen si vehementius contenderent, quod se mihi aliquid intimasse memorarent, respondebam ridens et gaudens: Videte ne fratri dixeritis. Nam cum omnia nobis essent nostra communia, individuus spiritus, individuus affectus; solum tamen commune non erat secretum amicorum: non quo 1303A conferendi periculum vereremur, sed tenendi servaremus fidem. Sane si consilio pendenda res esset, erat semper commune consilium, nec semper commune secretum. Nam etsi amici ita alteri nostrum dicerent, ut dicta sua ad alterum pervenirent; tamen scio plerumque ita fidem secreti esse servatam, ut nec fratri committeretur. Erat enim fidele indicium, et extraneo non esse proditum, quod non esset cum fratre collatum.

40. His igitur tantis ac talibus bonis in excessum quemdam, fateor, mentis elatus, superstitem me timere desieram, quod illum vita crederem digniorem: et ideo excepi plagam, quam ferre non possum; tolerabiliora enim tanti doloris praemeditata, quam inexplorata vulnera. Quis jam moestum solabitur? 1303B Quis afflictum levabit? Cum quo participabo curas? Quis me ab istius mundi vindicabit usura? Tu enim auctor negotiorum, censor servulorum, arbiter fratrum; non litis, sed pietatis arbiter.